i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
