i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
