She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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