hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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