The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
