shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
