look no pants
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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