I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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