wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
