the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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