Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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