the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
