Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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