We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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