I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize