Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
