Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
As shirtless as possible
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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