I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you win again, gameday.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
