does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
