when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
