I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
