Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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