I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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