I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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