i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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