Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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