I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
