I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
