i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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