I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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