I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize