I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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