Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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