Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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