shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
