So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
