just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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