My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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