We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
