I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
