if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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