Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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