please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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