I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
