Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
