I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
