I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
