I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
