Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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