How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
