I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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