I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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