in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
