Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
