So drunk its hurt
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
