Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
