Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
