I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
