From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
