I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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