So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
