That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
