It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
