I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
