You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
