sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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