Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize