Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
