so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
